Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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