Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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