he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
