she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
