I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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