Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He did a backflip because drugs
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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