can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
