Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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