i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
