a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
