she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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