if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
