Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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