life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
