First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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