On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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