Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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