You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
