her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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