The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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