I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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