1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
