You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
