Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
