Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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