I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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