life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
