I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
last night I used snow as a chaser
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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