Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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