ugly people sure do ruin things
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
im holly from the hills drunk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
