when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
