Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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