I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
