So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
