I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
