Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
