Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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