He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
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When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know