you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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