Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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