when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize