I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
