I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
