Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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