In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
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