Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm bleeding and have questions
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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