Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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