i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
