you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
