I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
