Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
