i jhust puked up my retainher.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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