so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
