Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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