did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
