I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
