im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
