I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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