There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
